Deon you are seeing a lot of love on this post because people care, but more importantly because you took the risk, and had the courage, to share what you are going through.
You ended with,
“When can I be free and be me?”
It may not seem like it at this very moment because of how you are feeling, but the truth is that you can be free and yourself at your own choosing.
It might not be easy. But it could be
You might have some obstacles to face. Or they may be less challenging than you thought.
Whatever you choose to do, choose not to go it alone. When you are struggling with these emotions and challenges to your identity, seek out those who will support you.
Whether that be here, or with friends close by who can help, the more you can talk this out, the nearer the possibility of being yourself.
I do work as a coach (which is not therapy) and I’d be happy to offer you some time if you think it might help.