I’d love to challenge you to write more about this, as a process of self-love, and self-acceptance.
Of course, if you need to be careful of who you are looking at, if your environment isn’t safe that’s one thing. But if you accept yourself as, gay, as a man who wants to be with men, then how would it feel to allow yourself to look? To appreciate the beauty of another man? To enjoy the freedom of imagining being with that man. To having a conversation that may lead to more?
James Finn mentioned shame, and I write about my story with shame here:
I’d highly recommend “The Velvet Rage. Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man’s world” by Alan Downs. This book blew me away when I read it last year, and wish it had of existed when I came out.