Privilege Is Comfort and Security, Which Is Why No One Wants to Give It Up — Even to Understand Others.

Darren Stehle
2 min readJun 7, 2022
Photo by olieman.eth on Unsplash

Privilege is like a safe deposit box filled with ideas about how to perceive the world around you.

Privilege adds to your self-estimation of how certain you are about your status and safety in the world.

When you resist change or react to something new out of self-protection and defensiveness, you demonstrate a lack of prediction that exists outside your privilege.

When you say you agree with something a racialized or LGBTQ+ person is saying followed by the proverbial, ‘but’, you’re speaking from a defensive posture. You’re stuck in past predictions and can’t estimate a different future and appropriately new responses.

Whenever you are faced with any form of resistance to change, consider that your feeling of resistance is a lack of prediction about your environment.

This means you don’t understand the situation, you don’t have enough information about what is happening to know how to appropriately respond. This causes stress — a normal, human response to life about not knowing what to do next. If you think of resistance in this way, it’s easier to slow down and notice what’s happening.

You can reduce the initial feeling of stress and resistance by asking questions, or simply listening to what another person has to say without judgment.

The more information you have about the situation and the more you seek to understand the other person’s perspective, the more you can relate that information to your lived experience.

This is the process of forming new neuro-associations to create new predictions and responses, which helps reduce feelings of threat or stress, and feelings of resistance and defensiveness.

We learn and develop more easily when we associate what’s happening in our environment with our lived experiences.

“Nothing happens until something moves.” — Albert Einstein

What’s one small step you can take to move in the direction of understanding and connection?

Darren Stehle is a thinker, writer, podcaster, and a Neuro-Coach. He helps queer solo-creatives and entrepreneurs go from confusion to having actionable strategies and a purposeful direction to make an impact.

Darren Stehle

Thinking Partnership Coach for Queer Change-Makers. I write about: actionable self-mastery; morals & ethics; LGBTQ+ rights & advocacy.