Why I’m Not Good Enough: My Dirty Gay Secret

Darren Stehle 🏳️‍🌈
5 min readDec 12, 2017

There’s a lot of gay shame that runs as an undercurrent in my life.

This morning I watched a video by coach Dax Moy. He was talking about the difference between guilt and shame.

  • Guilt is how you feel about what you did or didn’t do.
  • Shame is how you feel about who you are or who you are not.

A light clicked on, illuminating something that’s been a challenge for me all my life.

I have shame around becoming successful.

What? But the success I envision for myself hasn’t happened yet.

That does seem stupid, doesn’t it. But I get it now. I understand how I’ve been blocking myself. I see how I’ve boxed myself in from experiencing and sharing what makes me fucking awesome and unique.

My shame is that I’m not good enough.

It seems simple enough. A random person on the street might say, “Dude, get over it.”

It is and it isn’t that simple, and here’s why.

Sure, I can analyze my shame and talk about it intellectually. I can tell myself that I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I know, my skills, gifts, knowledge, ability, empathy, love, etc.

Create an account to read the full story.

The author made this story available to Medium members only.
If you’re new to Medium, create a new account to read this story on us.

Or, continue in mobile web

Already have an account? Sign in

Darren Stehle 🏳️‍🌈
Darren Stehle 🏳️‍🌈

Written by Darren Stehle 🏳️‍🌈

Thoughtful Insights & Guidance to Cultivate Dignity, Equity, and Our Shared Humanity as Values-Driven Changemakers & Compassionate Leaders: DarrenStehle.com

Responses (3)

What are your thoughts?

I can totally relate to your experience coming from Egypt feeling ashamed of who I was as a gay man and unable to appear “normal” to other kids.
I am happy to read your story and that you’ve managed to do the work, seek help and love who you are.
I…

This! Very much this.
I would add that on my own circumstances, which seem similar to yours, I not only internalized shame, but the instinct to hide from people, to avoid true emotional intimacy.
I’ve observed so many gay men with attachment issues.
The…

Shame is such a deep-seated and pivotal emotion. I say ‘pivotal’ because so many of our life experiences (or lack thereof) pivot around it and in repsonse to it. Brave of you to open up and ‘claim your shame’.
I wonder if you’ve read anything by…